I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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