im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
