She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
