I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
