You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
