god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
