is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
