i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
