I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
