Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
