I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
