We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize