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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
