hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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