If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
