ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
