yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
