My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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