Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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