Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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