The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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