I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
