I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
