Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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