so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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