just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
