he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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