I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
