The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
