Cold hands, warm shart.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
