I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
