This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
