I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
