Ambien. No doubt about it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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