When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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