So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
