his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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