the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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