so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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