i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
