why didn't you poke me back
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
