You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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