my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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