rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
