So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
