You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
