he puts the penis in happiness.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Randomize
