I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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