they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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