i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
