y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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