you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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