there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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