i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
