I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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