sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize