The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize