im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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