Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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