her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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