Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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